My Favorite Ex-Boyfriend Fantasy

Everybody has one of these, right? Those fantasy scenarios where you imagine how your final talk with the ex that dumped you and broke your heart will go – you girls know what I mean. So here’s how mine goes:

I get a phone call or text message around 11:00 pm from an ex that I haven’t heard from in anywhere from months to years. It’s completely unexpected and I just happen to be at home in no makeup and ratty pajamas. I answer (I always answer – I guess it’s just from pure curiosity for what they might have to say this time.) The gist of the call is always that they are only moments away from my house and would like to come by and talk. I say, “Okay,” very calmly, hang up, and then begin prettying up my room and myself in the few minutes I have.

Typically, I would be in pajamas but the oversized men’s t-shirt with holes and bleach stains probably isn’t the most flattering thing I could be wearing so I grab my semi-sexy black jersey robe and try to accentuate the cleavage and camouflage the clothing underneath.

I throw on the most basic make up. Cover up the perma-zit and other imperfections, add a little sparkly white to the browbone and corner of the eye and put on some not-too-there sparkly eyeshadow, add a little mascara, and a tinted chapstick. Looking natural can be quite a pain-in-the-ass!

He knocks on the door just as I’m finishing up with a squirt or two of his favorite perfume (why not, right?) I take a deep breath and then open the door, casually finishing a yawn to imply that I was one step from bed when he called.

We smile awkwardly and go into my room and sit on the bed facing each other. There’s a brief silence and then we begin relevant small talk about each other’s jobs, friends, family, etc. Finally, I put an end to it and say, “<insert ex’s name here>, why are you here? What did you want to talk about?”

He pauses and looks down and starts to fiddle with his hands. They never can look you in the eye whether it’s good news or bad so this gives me no indication of where we are going with the conversation.

Then begins the fantasy portion – here is how I imagine the fantasy ex-boyfriend monologue would go:

Amber, you were the one and I really screwed up. I knew you were the one the moment I met you and I fell in love with you so fast that it scared the shit out of me and I ran. I thought if I just left you, I could leave my feelings behind too but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about us. I know it now – we were meant to be together. Can you give me another chance? I’ll do it right this time. I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. I’ve rambled on and on, please say something, Amber.” He finally looks up at me after his rambling and rarely punctuated speech.

After tilting my head side to side and allowing a painfully slow dramatic pause, I would look at him sweetly, sigh, and then say, “Are you high? There’s no way in hell I’d come back to you after all of the shit you put me through.” At this point I’d be stifling an obvious giggle as I politely thank him for the kind words and laughingly escort him out of my room and out of the front door with a, “You take care now,” and a good solid man-style pat on the shoulder.

Then I would run back into my room so filled with joy that my fantasy finally came true that I would call my closest girl friends and go over it and over it until every detail had been deconstructed and I would be the short-term hero to my galpals!

Doesn’t everybody have a fantasy like that for those blokes that did you wrong and broke your heart? Maybe it’s just me…

I’m back…

My laptop came down with a serious illness. Luckily, my network administrator was able to save her and all of my content (whew!) but I’ve been offline for quite awhile. I’m working on some new blog content – coming soon!

Another Favorite Quote…

I saw this quote in O Magazine (the Oprah magazine) and ripped it out and hung it on my mirror for a long time.

I must learn to love the fool in me –

the one who feels too much, talks too much,

takes too many chances, wins sometimes,

and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates,

hurts and gets hurt, promises and

breaks promises, laughs and cries.

It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled,

masterful tyrant whom I also harbor

and who would rob me of my human aliveness,

humility, and dignity but for my fool.

Theodore I. Rubin, MD

The past couple of years have brought many dramatic changes – changes that have shaped me into the woman I am now and the woman I have yet to become. Once I became a mother, I devoted myself entirely to caring for my girls and, like many new mothers, lost myself as an individual along the way. After Violet was born, I realized that I needed to have a life outside of my home and children.

Like the old saying goes, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Now that I am a “mama,” I understand that quote on a much deeper level. I realized that even though it may feel selfish, I need to take time for myself so that I can nurture my spirit and be a happy and fulfilled person and by doing that, I will be an even better mother. It’s a good lesson for all mothers to learn – you have to take care of yourself first so that you are capable of taking care of everyone else.

10 Interesting Things About Me

You know how you get tons of email forwards asking you to fill out questionnaires and surveys and then pass them on to your friends so they can learn more about you? I usually don’t bother reading them, let alone answering them, but I thought this idea was cool because you are given total creative freedom.

Original Directions: Make a list of 10 interesting things about you. This can include anything from little-known facts to aspirations and personal philosophies, etc.

1. I have a pink skully tattoo – my first and only (so far). I know girly skulls are a fad but I love them so I finally decided to go for it. I’ve wanted a tattoo since I was 18 and for many years, I wanted a sun and moon combination as the tattoo image. Now I’m happy that I didn’t get that because I’d probably want to cover it up 15 years later. I worry about all of those young girls with butterflies on the middle of their lower backs – will they want to undo the tramp stamp when they hit 30?

2. I’m one of those people you hear about that adopts kids because they can’t get pregnant and then ends up pregnant. My two oldest daughters were adopted a mere 10 days before the birth of my biological child. Before I was pregnant, people used to tell me all the time, “maybe you’ll be one of those people that gets pregnant once you adopt,” and I would think they were crazy and that that probably doesn’t happen very often…and then it happened to me.

3. I’m fortunate to have a few close friends that would stand by me as the world crumbled around us. I know this because they’ve had to do it a few times already. I feel lucky and grateful to have them in my life because it’s so rare to have true friends for a lifetime.

4. In the past couple of years, I’ve changed dramatically, both inside and out. Even though everyone on the outside would assume that the physical changes have been so great that I must be thrilled, I often miss the security of being the “old” me.

5. I used to be a no-frills kinda girl but now it takes me over two hours to get ready to go out. This is one of those things about my metamorphosis that I abhor.

6. Playing pool is the first and only competitive sport I’ve ever participated in. It’s really enriched my life and helped me get through the last few years but I don’t think I’ll be joining a softball team anytime soon.

7. Although I wouldn’t consider myself an “artist”, I’ve always needed to be involved in some creative project. Most often, that involves either scrapbooking or jewelry-making, which are both phenomenal creative outlets.

8. I’ve always been attracted to rebellious people – I think it’s because I envy their ability to do whatever they want without allowing responsibility and obligation to make decisions for them. That must be an incredibly freeing experience.

9. I think life is too short to sit idly by, watching time pass. I prefer to chase butterflies. Sometimes I might get hit by a car but the chase is always exhilarating. I put myself out on a limb, so to speak, pretty regularly which opens me up to a lot of heartache but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

10. I’m a beauty queen. I was Tiny Miss Ocala in 1979, at age 5. I have pictures and a sash to prove it! I sang “Hopelessly Devoted to You” by Olivia Newton-John for the talent portion of the competition. One of the other contestants and I were wearing the exact same formal dress and if I had been older, that probably would have been devastating. My mother told me that I walked by the prize table and wanted a dog that walked and barked and my Granny said to get the dog, I had to win so I said, “Okay,” and I went up on stage and won that dog!

So there’s 10 tidbits about me. How about you share one or two about you? I’d love to read them!

The Lil Genius has a Dirty Mouth!

The kids are out with Daddy today. I get a text message from Daddy and it says:

FYI – Violet just told one of her sisters to “shut her asshole”. Am I supposed to be proud of her creative and advanced use of English or not?

Oy vey….this is the stuff we’re dealing with on a daily basis with this kid. She is supposed to start Pre-K this year and I fear that I will be getting phone calls pretty regularly from the school, informing me of what inappropriate thing my child has said that day. I almost feel sorry for her Pre-K teacher – they aren’t going to know what hit them!